TTC Series: “we’re trying” ~ with a little help.

Written 4/28/11

I secretly hoped we wouldn’t even have to try. When I married Benjamin we decided we’d enjoy our time together. Never put a “baby” on our list, and just assumed it would happen. When I went off birth control I remember thinking… “well it’ll happen in God’s timing.”

I just wanted it to happen and us to be surprised. Then when I realized (or maybe I should say truly  acknowledged my thoughts) that it might be “hard” for us to get pregnant, I kind of always thought it would be – I feel like God prepared me for this, I figured we would just take one step at a time.

After my appointment on Tuesday, April 26th 2011, I headed to Costco to pick up my prescription for a “fertility drug.” I still felt a bit uncertain… which might be an understantment. Then I opened the paperwork the pharmacist gave me with it, and in the section that read “Why Clomid is prescribed” it said… “to address infertility in women.”

That hit me pretty straight in the face. I guess I fall into that category now. I’m not sure how I feel about it. BUT, that being said I am glad we have another step to take, and something else to try. With taking a fertility drug came the upside of finally feeling like “we’re [officially] trying.”

We are both destined to be parents and if this doesn’t “work” as an avenue for that to happen we will pursue adoption. We simply don’t have the thousands of dollars to invest in IVF or IUI that might not prove fruitful. Instead we’ve decided we’ll put that money toward adopting.

We feel called to adopt, even if we have biological children, I believe we will adopt. It’s scary to put that out there because everything is yet to be known about what’s next. But I do believe we have a heart for the lost and hurting children around the world and want to help in any way we can. Plus we are so blessed and want to share that with a child who needs us desperately.

But… back to the “little helper.” A small white pill called Clomid. It’s to help me ovulate. We don’t think I have been ovulating for some time, or may just not do it on my own … ever. We’ll try the 50mg and see what it produces after a blood draw mid May. That will show, through my progesterone levels, if I ovulated or if maybe I need more mg of the drug. It’s not expensive, but not covered by insurance. We’ll see about the necessary followup blood work and whether or not it’s covered. For now it’s our best shot and within our means.

I am so glad I kept this appointment. I scheduled it as my Mom was going through a lot with my Dad’s health and I felt like I wanted more information and control Over my body. My doctor had prescribed a progesterone pill to initiate a period since I had gone a long while without one. I took it once for 5 days. I’ve had one period that was initiated by the Progesterone and two of my own since ten. Both cycles (I’m still in the third now) took about 40-45 days. I’m hoping the clomid will shorten the cycles and we are able to pinpoint the day of ovulation in this cycle so that next cycle we can have a better understanding of when to time it all. 😉 My Gynecologist was great! She said, “you’re not taking progesterone just to have a period, what’s your feeling about being pregnant?” She already knew the answer but wanted to make sure. My response was, “We wish we already were.” That’s when she said, “Well then I think it’s time to start some clomid to jump start your ovulation.” She shared with me that it was clear by my extremely low progesterone levels from my January blood work that I wasn’t ovulating. I think she said they were .4 ng/mL and they need to between 6-60 ng/mL. Ideally at a 10 or more. I’m hopeful that my appointment in mid May for my followup blood work will reveal a much higher level and/or reveal that I need a bit more clomid to raise the number. The best would be to see that the clomid did raise the level and therefore could be a viable way to help us get pregnant.

Clomid does has side affects and so far the on day 3 of the 50mg dose I’ve noticed some abdominal “pain.” Not really pain but discomfort, some vd and some moodiness. I’m prepared to need a higher dose that could also come with hot flashes, extreme moodiness, headaches, and the list goes on. I am using some online programs to help track my info (www.fertilityfriend.com) and an application on my phone called MyDays that I like a lot. My OB said I don’t need to temp, and I think she is saying it to keep my stress low, but I’ve decided to do it anyway. I do better with more information. I want to know more about what is going on in my body. So far I’m take a few notes on sexual activity, meds, cycles, and temp and that’s it.

I’m also receiving some great support from a close knit group of friends, and even one who has used Clomid to get pregnant with her two. To read more about her journey visit her, Diana, at her blog! I’m so glad that long before I knew I’d be dealing with this issue I was reading about her experiences. It made it feel more “normal” and “doable.”

I’m still not pressing “publish” on these posts, as I’m not quite ready to share with the world. But maybe I will be someday, and then I’ll have them written. Plus I think that writing about my experiences is therapeutic, whether or not people are reading it. Maybe I’ll be able to help someone through this process with my transparency. I wonder if it will be easier to share if we decide to move forward with adoption or if we get pregnant?

I’ve taken advice, which I believe is wise, to keep our “story” within a small group of supportive friends (who are like family to us). I’ve found my stress levels to be low, my optimism high, and my hopefulness for having children rising! No matter the avenue, I’m excited to be a Mom and to share the job of ‘parent’ with my best friend.

With clomid there are questions. I’m still learning about charting, trying to understand how it can help me. I’m still uncertain about how to time it all for optimal results. 🙂

I’m also struggling with planning some. I am looking into a career change. Either in upper elementary grades, and pursuing another certification or a completely different path with Montessori education. I feel like God is stirring something inside of me and I need to listen. He has prepared me for such a time as this. That being said as I am going through an interviewing process and examining what God may have for me career wise I find myself not sure about how to proceed in the area of career. BUT I know God has a plan, will use me no matter where I am, and so… I’ll keep walking forward and pursuing what He has for me.

The only downside to not “publishing” at this point is I could use your prayers. But I know I have them. I’ve been on “Callie’s List” (a list of people she is praying for who are dealing with infertility) since the beginning of April. Iam so grateful that blogging helped me find women (Like Callie and Diana) who are or have been dealing with this issue. They have paved the way for me to be less stressed, more patient, and feel more connected. I’m grateful!

Enough for now. I have so much to say but need to get on with it…
I need to do some research. I started my clomid a bit late – day 10 – since my appointment was unavoidably scheduled then. So… I need to research what that means.

Prayerfully,

Alex