A series: “TTC”

This post is a part of a series I am doing. A Trying to Conceive Series about our journey to parenthood. I have eluded to our struggle with getting pregnant and some of you have heard parts, but mostly I haven’t revealed too much of it here on Inspiration Clothesline. I think it is time. There is so much that went into our journey, and we are still traveling it but I think I need to share. So many I know and love are or have struggled with this and it’s time I allowed you into that part of our story.

This was written April 14, 2011 after almost two years of trying, some trying that was less intentional and later the more intentional trying…

Here goes… me vulnerable.

The truth is, I’m writing this with no thought of publishing it. I’ve been silent on my blog, or nearly silent, for a couple of weeks. Lacking inspiration and loosing a bit of momentum.

My blog has always been uplifting, and not so personal. By choice. However, as I peruse so many blogs these days I find that the ones that are the most helpful and I’m driven to read are the personal ones. From people who are sharing transparently.

So… here goes. My husband and I are trying to conceive. Even typing those words is humbling. We haven’t wanted to share with many, our thoughts and plans. Not sure why exactly, maybe protective. We have been off birth control for over a year (insert a thought here – I wasn’t totally honest even with myself… it had been A LOT longer then that) and have been actively trying for 6 months. (actively trying for 6 months is accurate however we had been trying for longer) With no regular cycle and having gone several months without one I headed to my annual exam with questions.

I love my OB/GYN and she certainly tries to keep the stress and pressure low. She gave me progesterone to jump start my cycle, and said if I didn’t have one naturally on my own between 4 and 6 weeks I should fill the prespcription again and jump start it again. She is hoping this would get me ovulating and help with our attempts to get pregnant. After using the Progesterone once, and having a cycle, the next month I had a cycle naturally. Then another dry spell. I’m about to fill the prescription again and am disappointed.

I have known for some time that I probably had an anovulatory cycle, but now it seems confirmed. After some other jolting life experiences and big decisions coming up this just feels like “one more thing.” I truly have yet to be overly stressed about this issue. God made my husband and I to be parents and no I am not jealous of those around me who are raising families. I feel blessed to be “auntie” to many and to be so involved in lives of the precious children around me.

We know that we will be parents. I’m doing lots of reading about adoption – both domestic and international – and getting excited about the prospect. Whether or not we have biological children I feel like we may just have a calling on our lives to adopt.

This is particularly on my mind as my husband had a dream last night that we had a child. In the dream the child arrived as a toddler – wondering if it’s planting some kind of dreams in his heart about adoption. In the dream I gave the child the name, “Leader.” We laughed and said maybe if/when I get pregnant that we’ll call the baby “Leader” until we have a name. 🙂

I made a decision last week. My doctor had recommended that we wait another 6-8 months (that was back in January) before we tried a fertility drug. I made the appointment for the end of April. Just 4 months… but I’m ready to feel like we are taking some action besides just “seeing some action.” 🙂 I am very excited about the appointment and plan to call tomorrow to see if I should use the Projesterone to jump start my cycle, since it’s been 6 weeks. Then if it’s time start the new fertility drug, I will have had another period.

I wish I knew more about my cycle, but with a completely irregular cycle it is just plain hard. I wish I could see into my body and know what’s up. I wish I could see into the future and know what is to come. I wish I would know when and how I’d have a family.

I don’t know if I’ll ever post this, at this point I feel like if I did it would be once I could say for sure how we’d have our family whether that is pregnancy and biologically or through adoption. It all just seems somewhat overwhelming right now and I don’t want the added pressure of being asked… we’ll see.

(added 4/17 – I started my period today, without the PROGESTERONE! I am so happy. My body is doing something it’s supposed to naturally. I am keeping my appointment because I need more info…)

Prayerfully, Alex

April 14, 2011

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