Written April 29, 2011
I have a huge reservation with sharing with people about our trying to conceive (TTC) process. Our child will potentially be the first grandchild for either set of our parents and there is added stress in that. My parents are excited, concerned, and SO supportive. They don’t overly ask or pressure so that is good. Just not ready to share with the world… still
So… beyond feeling somewhat private about it, which is not very typical for me, I also just don’t want to add this added dynamic to all my relationships. And making it public could/would do that.
I’m so lucky that I have very few (not none) of the negative feelings that women struggling with infertility feel and I attribute that in large part to my choice to be educated, the support from my loved ones (Benjamin especially) and then to you and other women who have shared openly. I feel ‘normal’ and like others have been there done that, survived it, found God’s best for them and know that’s what the outcome will be for Ben and me.
I also think that with the first child it’s different. I could be wrong on this… I think if we already had one and knew we “could get pregnant and carry to term” it might be different. I don’t want to only talk about this issue with people, dont’ want it to totally consume all conversations, or only have people asking (and they already do plenty, simply because we’ve been married 3 years and people ask). I don’t want to explain it all. I just want to enjoy it, learn from it, and figure it out. I don’t need people to weigh in, give opinions, or unsolicited advice. (except those I love, trust, and need to do that) I love hearing the stories of women, but want it on my own terms. At least that’s how I feel now. Again, that’s why I so appreciate my gracious and trustworthy girlfriends who have been able to support, listen, pray, cry, and carry me through.
I also fear that people will be offended that I didn’t tell them. It’s not about who I tell and who I don’t tell. It’s about us needing support and balancing that with wanting to handle it ourselves and in our way. It’s a fine line and I have to not worry about others but instead consider us and our family.
Right now sharing my unpublished blogs with a few is just enough. We feel supported and like our support system cares and is praying and that is enough. Truly. But I’m grateful for the courage to even do that. I am grateful I’ll have my thoughts and feelings written down and that I’ll be able to come back to the stuff that was going on in my mind and heart at a later date.
Feel free to skip this next part if you aren’t a details person. ;). Others may appreciate it so I will write it down too. In fact someday I may want to remember these details….
I’m on day 4 of Clomid today and it’s Cycle Day 13, with one day left. My Dr. suggested a blood draw around May 15th which would be CD 29… I may push it to the 16th or 17th depending on my primary fertility markers like CM. I have a LONG cycle – like 45 days so it’s more likely that I ovulate around CD 30 and the blood work detects progesterone that doesn’t surface until after ovulation. That might TMI or you may not get it at all… 🙂
I became a VIP member of Fertility Friend online and they just go an application for my phone so now I have it with me wherever I go! Very grateful. Like I said I believe information is power and I feel so much more powerful with the information at my figure tips. I’m doing lots of reading and am also going to get on my prenatals, and some Evening Primrose Oil (until I get pregnant – then you have to go off) to soften my cervix and help with the productive kind of CM.
Timing wise we’ll shoot for that optimal 3 day window but aren’t afraid to try more. 😉 The nice thing about trying is that we have had more fun in the past year, we’ve lightened up. Lots more laughter and joy. Truly we’ve been blessed. With diabetes our first year of marriage, lots of external drama (not between Ben and me, but very was taxing) in the second. This third year has been fantastic and a great year to be “trying.” Here is to year 4 which begins in June. 🙂
Ben would be thrilled if it was a girl! 🙂 He really wants one. (Added later- I also realized later how much he also wants a boy. In fact he definitely wants to experience both. Fun to think about!) I don’t have a preference, I don’t think, maybe a boy first. But a child is a child! Also were told that on clomid our chances of twins rises from 1% to 8% so that’s interesting to consider.
We love it being just the two of us and our furry friends and are making the most of it. Trying to get our education, careers in line, togetherness, time with family, building new friendships a lot of goodness is to be had when it’s just the grown ups.
I am trying to carve out more time for me. Right now with the two jobs going simultaneously that’s tough, but I think as summer hits I’ll have that time that I desperately need. I am also interviewing for jobs and it looks like I will receive 2 offers next week, from what I can tell, and maybe 3. I need less stress. All are teaching positions but all VERY different. (4th-6th at a private Christian school, a private Montessori Early Education program on Bainbridge and one more called this week. An elementary Montessori on Bainbridge) So I could use your prayers in that area too. I need less stress for the TTC factor, for my health, and then just for our future.
Written April 29, 2011