INTRO – I wrote this months after the “we’re trying” blog. Months of no periods, negative tests, and optimism that was waning. At this moment it was truly a LOW for me in our Trying To Conceive journey.
This was written on September 22, 2011.
SO yesterday I went to visit some dear friends and to meet their latest addition a sweet little girl. She is so perfect and reminds me so much of her mom. I admire my friend as both a wife, mom and the incredible woman of God that she is. Watching her sweet baby girl quiet just at the sound of her whispers made my heart smile and cry all at the same time.
Then today I got a custody packet for three distantly related children who have been taken away from their parents. There were four options we could select – contact or none, temporary custody or no, permanent custody or no, OR I want to hear more.
I actually considered it. Not that fostering was that far out of our thoughts any way, but we simply couldn’t do it logistically. There are three children – one a teenager. My sweet Benjamin came home saying, I was ready to hear ‘you’re going to be a dad’ when I got home. He literally looked me in the eye and said he would be willing to take them in. Bless his heart. He is so good, giving, and self-less.
A midst all of that I watched the most incredible video that father of this new little girl made for their daughter surrounding the theme that she is loved, and beautiful. I can’t believe the sensitivity and heart he has for his children. I can only imagine what Benjamin will be like. I wonder if he will ever have the chance to do these kinds of things…
There is so much saddness today, I truly don’t know if I’ve ever felt so sad over the issue. Not sure why it is hitting now. I started Clomid 3 days ago, round four for me on 50 mg. Maybe I am just hormonal. Who knows?! Clomid is a drug that is supposed to help you ovulate. Which according to blood work I may not be doing on my own.
I seriously think it could happen this month, but then I tell myself not to get my hopes up too high or I might be extra sad around Halloween time when I know officially one way or the other if round four did the trick, or our timing was right, or if it can even happen at all.
Even as I sit here and type Benjamin is watching an episode of “Lost,” season 5, on his laptop and I hear in the background, “you’re pregnant.” Literally the only line I could make out and there it was loud and clear.
It seems to stare me in the face these days.
I love all the children around me so much, I am so happy for the first time Mom’s around me and now the three girl friends who are on to number two. But if I am completely honest…. that was another “hard” moment for me. When my girlfriends all pregnant with number two – all girls. I had this pang of “they get two and I’m having trouble with number one?!”
I never thought I’d have these typical feelings or fill the prescribed emotions that “Trying to Conceive” (TTC) women feel. But here I am. Nothing stops the love or joy for others. Nothing. Certainly not my sadness. However, I am sad. I don’t have, maybe can’t have, what I have always dreamed of.
I want Benjamin to document my belly as it grows, video our hospital visit and pour over an editing program to get it ‘just right’ for that wee Jacobson. I want to see him hold our baby. He deserves it, as do I. We will be wonderful parents.