Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness: They remembered. I am changed.

This year I’m writing on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day from a changed perspective. Each day and year that passes since we lost our “Baby J” on November 24, 2011 I have changed and become different. On this day in the last two years I wrote. I wrote a simple post in 2013 and a different one in 2014. Here I sit in 2015 in a new place.

And every year I have a choice to make. Participate or not, write or not, remember or not. I choose to remember, to participate, and to write. And each year it become less about my own Trying to Conceive Journey which includes loss and grief, babies and joy, uncertainty and certainty. And now it is as much about others who experience loss and those they miss. This year it is a friend who lost her daughter at 2 months old; a dear friend who lost her first two babes to miscarriage, but now holds her first born in her arms; another who has told few but also faced a devastating loss of a little one. I also write for those who have never experienced loss first hand, but stand beside those who have. Each of these stories is unique and legitimate. None is more valuable then the other.

But this year as I reflected on our loss and those of the ones I love part of last year’s post stood out…

“I think of my friends and their losses – each different. For one it’s longing for a first child, for others they are waiting and hoping for a consecutive child, a sibling for their beloved living child.
I want to take away the hurt, I can’t.
I want to tell them it will work out, I can’t.
I want to carry some weight, I can’t….

But what I can do is remember. Remember with them.
Love the little ones they will not know. And pray.
I am remembering and praying today.
This hurt is unique to us all. But I am here.”

This year friends remembered first. They cared enough to want to honor our Baby J, Baby B, Baby A, and Baby H – some they knew and some they didn’t. They asked if in our mom’s group we could make candles available to every mom (those who have lost and for those who were remembering with them) and if we could pray together, remember together.

I was overwhelmed with the hearts of these women. As I remember Baby J so do they. This community is a blessing. Transparency of women – authenticity on the parts of those who have lost and vulnerability from those who support us. One said this, “Praying for you today as we remember with you your sweet baby we knew but never met.” Another wrote to me last year, “Sometimes remembering is enough.” Their hearts, wisdom, and willingness to walk along side is overwhelming.

Healing is hard, takes time, and it looks different for everyone. I wish I could provide that community for everyone, but I can’t. What I can do is share my story and hope it raises awareness, encourages those who read it to reach out. Maybe they are hurting themselves and need reach out or maybe they are coming along side someone who is facing loss and they need to reach out to them… Maybe if I allow you to share my story with those you love who are facing loss, allow you to read it as you face it. Maybe if I can be available to those who reach out to me. It is enough. It was enough that my friends did exactly that.

So today…

I miss Baby J for us. For our family.
I miss Baby A, Baby B, and Baby H all gone this year.

Oh my heart hurts that so many face this kind of loss. But I am grateful that one day I will meet our dear loved one and those my friends have loved and lost.

I remember. And I am grateful for those who remember with me.
I will be a part of the wave of light tonight at 7pm as candles are lit around the globe remembering. I’ll share my candle with you now too, as you read and remember.

Thank you President Reagan for being ahead of your time and acknowledging this when many did not.
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