In August we tore out a wall in our kitchen. Opening up our main level a great deal. It has been a slow moving and LONG project. With the upcoming little one we had set our minds to completing the project if we could ASAP. We set a date and planned a party to motivate us.
Little did we know all that would go down with Baby J. However, I am glad for the distraction. I threw myself into the project. They say home renovations is in the top few things that put strain on a marriage. I see why now. We were an awesome team and worked SO hard, but it was also stressful. We did it all ourselves and on a serious budget. One thing just led to another so in the end we ended up with
1. 1 less kitchen cabinet, but a more open floor plan.
2. beautiful concrete counter tops that we are in love with thanks to a friend who does beautiful work.
3. new kitchen plumbing.
4. 3 new sconce lights and new electrical over our “bar.”
5. freshly painted kitchen cabinets with updated pulls/handles put on.
6. a gorgeous stainless steel back splash behind the stove and above the counter.
7. an incredible new “undermount” stainless steel sink with a tall industrial faucet.
8. new tile in the kitchen, entry, and downstairs bath.
9. a lot of new paint.
10 an overall delightful living space that we adore!
Leading up to these results however was some chaotic, rainy, wet, cold, messy construction with a lot of hard work. A kitchen in my living room. laundry machines in my dining room, displaced pets, and exhausted husband who worked all day and then remodeled at night and a worn out me who worked on the house all day and night.
ALL THAT SAID… it distracted me during a very hard time. I miscarried our first little one, the day after Thanksgiving. We imagined this Thanksgiving and Holiday season so differently. We imagined we would be grateful for our growing baby, but instead I knew that soon I wouldn’t be carrying the baby any more. My sister in law threw a beautiful dinner on Thanksgiving day, Ben had to work. But it was nice to be with family and take a break from the chaotic remodel.
The goal was to have it completed the Saturday after Thanksgiving for a brunch, so on Thanksgiving day we were still full throttle. We took my husband dinner at work and visited as a family. For me it was sombre and I had things to be sad about, but also so much to be grateful for.
I came home that night and we worked through the night into the wee hours of the morning. Then I worked all day Friday, not feeling myself and again through most of the night Friday. Clearly I know this was not the smartest thing. But it was all I could do. The past week of wondering had taken its toll. I had trusted God. Asked that I either miscarry over my Thanksgiving break or that it would come during Christmas vacation almost two weeks later. I didn’t know what it would be like for me and I was worried about it taking place at school when I was teaching. It felt like a strange thing to ask for but I needed to know my body could do this naturally. I knew that no matter what it would be hard and if it happened while I was at school I had one teacher close by who knew what I was going through. I knew she would cover for me if I needed her to, but I was still prayerful about when the Lord would walk my body through this process.
The Friday after Thanksgiving Ben got off work at 10pm and the goal was to complete the project – we had quite a long ways to go – so that we could host a brunch the next day. We got to about midnight and I knew I was going to miscarry. I told my husband we had to stop for the night and sent texts to family members rescheduling brunch to a new location. They were gracious and understanding.
In the wee hours of the morning on Saturday I miscarried our first little one. It was physically painful, emotionally painful and left me exhausted and not knowing what the future would hold.
I crawled into bed next to Ben and cried. There was utter sadness, joy for the time we had with Baby J, peace, hope, and more sadness.
I shared with those closest to me that the Lord had really answered my prayers and allowed my body to do this naturally and in a time when I could have distraction and rest when I needed it.
We were able to finish the job that weekend along with have a brunch with family and I went back into teaching that Monday wondering…
This is heartbreaking Alex, but I'm so glad you're sharing your story.