November 21, 2011
We sat, for what felt like a very long time. As we looked at the screen I knew. Ben stood at the head of the table with his hand on my shoulder and we could see, our little Baby J had not developed any more and we were never going to meet this little one. Tears rolled down my cheeks. The technician said very little. She offered me a print of the ultrasound, but I just couldn’t walk out with a picture of the little one I would never meet. I passed. I’m grateful for that fact now, but still wonder why I didn’t want it.
Then we had to sit – for an extended period of time, maybe half an hour – to see the doctor. This was torturous. No one had said the words, “not viable” but we knew and were just waiting for our biggest fears to be validated. I saw a co-worker (who I knew was expecting and due around the same time as me). I ran to the restroom then to the other side of the waiting room when I could compose myself.
We sat with Dr. Q as she patiently told us that her concerns were reality and that the baby/preganancy was not viable. She quietly let me ask questions about this pregnancy, what caused the problems, and what might be in our future. She did say that whenever we felt ready we could try again. Part of me lit up and the other part was so torn. How could we just move on that quickly, and yet we really wanted to start our family.
Some things felt good about the appointment.
– she said we could start whenever we wanted with “trying” again. no need to wait. this surprised me.
– I can get pregnant and we know it. Dr. Q is confident that my body will know what to do next time and that I will be able to carry to term.
– we had baby j for a short time and celebrated his/her life for 10 whole weeks.
– I also had a great peace about not taking any action to end the pregnancy. Dr. Q said we could wait up to four weeks for it to happen naturally and then it was up to me if I wanted to take medication to cause a miscarriage (after that she would be concerned for the health of my uterus if we allowed the baby’s tissue to stay) or to have a surgical procedure. she expressed that if I felt I could go through it at home that a surgical procedure could be avoided all together.
Ben and I left. Made a few calls. Hard calls that I never thought I’d have to make. I just kept thinking, I knew it would be hard for me to get pregnant. I felt it in my gut. But I never thought loosing a little one would be part of my story. “I don’t want this to be my story.” was all I could think in that moment.
Ben and I prayed together and are trusting the Lord in all of this.